by Byron Flitsch

I have this problem with spiders.
I don't like them.

Here’s the deal: I also don't like to kill them. I’m not sure why. I just feel bad about wrapping the little guys in toilet paper and flushing them to a swirling death down the toilet. It just seems like bad karma. It just seems so cruel. The other problem: they keep popping up through the window, making webs, and arriving uninvited in my shower.

"Maybe you're a Buddhist. Buddhists don’t like killing living things," my friend Mark jokes with me while we're sharing a soft pretzel at a street fair. I'm telling him about my spider predicament while walking through the throngs of fall-dressed patrons.

"Psh! I'm not a Buddhist," I say scoffing at the idea, "That's so far from what I am. It's insane how far.”

"Huh. So, then... wait, what are you then?"

"What do you mean what am I?" I ask taking another hunk of the salty bread.

"Well, if you're so far from being a Buddhist then what religion are you?" Matt asks ripping a hunk of our shared pretzel.

"Still deciding…sorta?" I respond while shading my eyes from the sun with my hand.

"Huh. I dated a guy that was Jewish and it ended up being a problem that I didn’t want to convert for him. I mean, it wasn’t a big deal at first, but it ended up being tough for holidays and stuff. Is your boyfriend religious?"

"Well, he's Catholic... I wouldn't say religious like prays-every-night-before-he-goes-to-bed religious, but he's Catholic. His family is pretty religious... " I say gnawing on the salty bread.

"Well, if you're not religious and he is religious... could that ever be an issue?”

I quickly realized I had something new bugging me and it wasn’t the spiders.

Religion is still one of the three topics not to bring up on first dates (along with past relationships and politics). As modern relationships progress, though, ancient beliefs still cause grief on the way people share contemporary lives. Morals are sometimes challenged. Opposite perspectives can often stir the settled. Religious differences can make or break a relationship.

How do two people in love with different beliefs adjust? In extreme cases with differences in religious beliefs, can relationships still thrive?

What if your partner’s religious beliefs are unbelievable?

A few nights later after having “the” conversation over a bottle of wine with the boyfriend, we discovered that even with different religious perspectives we still had the same values when it came to commitment, raising kids, and political beliefs.

“So, I’m not going to lie,” I say while holding a wine glass at its stem, “I did my research and read a few things on how to talk about something like this.”

“And… what did these books say?” Adam asks uncorking another bottle.

“You know, we should talk about it and go from there.”

What the research didn’t say was that talking isn’t enough. Sure, we can exhaust each other with passionate conversation or we can remember the reason why we love being with the person—because they’re different. If I’ve learned anything, whether it comes to dating or to keeping good friends, it’s not to pass judgment on something you don’t whole-heartedly believe in. We need to accept what makes the other person feel complete. If it doesn’t cause actual moral strain, it’s worth that person to respect their beliefs. Sure, there’ll be some struggles, but isn’t it in struggle where we become our stronger selves and stronger couples?

That next morning sunlight burst through my apartment highlighting my hardwood and the biggest spider to date. I marched over squeamishly deciding on its fate: Do I kill the giant creature or do I scoop it up with a magazine and free it out the window? 


I chose the later.

I may not be sure what exists when it comes to religion, but I know that deciding if something should live or die just isn’t in my book. I guess it’s my belief that everyone or everything should have the freedom to choose the path they choose… as long as that thing doesn’t have eight legs and keeps sneaking in to my shower.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: When Byron Flitsch isn't pondering the art of relationships, buying magazines he'll never get time to read, traveling without maps, and discussing the meaning of life over a cocktail, he is a freelance writer. He's been published in The Advocate, New City, Gay Chicago, and a variety of print/online publications. You can spy on Byron properly at his website: www.byronflitsch.com