by Byron Flitsch

My friend Matt always wears a watch, always takes three napkins when he only needs one and always calls me after another “devastating” break-up. We all have our patterns.

They’re what make us, well, us. But in dating, patterns can be more harmful than good.

“It’s like I am getting all the reject boys!” He screams to me one night while getting cash out of the ATM.

“Well… what did this one do?” I ask as he shoves the cash in his wallet on our walk to his favorite burger joint on a warm summer evening.

“The same thing they all do!” He whimpers while holding the door open to the restaurant, “It’s totally like I’m dating the same guy over and over again and again and again and again…”

“Well, I mean… you do have a pattern.” I respond gently knowing that no one likes hearing something like that.


“I can’t help who I’m attracted to!” He snaps as he sits in his chair and grabs a menu.

“Well, no… but try to recognize what it is you keep seeing in these guys. I mean, they all have the same thing in common… they’re self-centered and never want to hurt your feelings by saying ‘no’… so they stand you up or lie or… I mean it’s a bad pattern… you’re a great guy who…”



“So what am I supposed to do? I mean… my ‘pattern’ is who I am in to. You can’t change that. I like the guys I like…”

“You can change your pattern. Ask someone out you usually would never ask… or stop going to Eighties Night at that bar you always go to… just change it up! It’s worth a shot, right? You’re going to get hurt again if you keep going for these guys… ” I encourage while watching him block his face with his menu.

“I'll have a beer.” Matt says to the waiter that shows up while folding his arms in front of his chest.

Matt always folds his arms in front of his chest when he’s done talking about something that he doesn’t like talking about.

Many of us are like addicts when it comes to relationships. Some of us have this addiction to following a pattern. Whether it’s going to the same places to pick up the wrong people or are addicted to dating one particular type of person, it’s a pattern that is hard to recognize and even harder to break.

Why wouldn’t we be addicted to patterns, though? We’re taught to learn from our lessons, which often come from past experiences. We’re also told that history repeats itself and to go with what we know. It makes sense to want to match with someone we already think we understand.

But, in ‘match-making, when do patterns start to clash?

After a few more drinks, a lot more conversation and the endearing ‘you will find that one guy’; we say our goodbyes as I hop in a cab on my way over to spend the night with my boyfriend, Adam. It was a new pattern of my own that I was really enjoying—spending the night at his house, waking up with him, and starting our days off with each other. We had been repeating the pattern for a few months now.

As the cab turned down Adam’s block, I started thinking about how maybe patterns are a good thing as long as your learn from the repetion and truly enjoy it. Maybe I was too hard on Matt. Maybe he really was just finding the wrong guys. Maybe I had a pattern of judging a situation too quickly.

Two days later, while reading in the park, I got a text from Matt: U were so wrong! I totally found the guy of my dreams! And he’s my type! So there. Pattern, Schmattern!

“See! I’m not always right!” I respond back hoping this was true.

Three weeks later, though, he was heartbroken.

My friend Matt always wears a watch, always takes three napkins when he only needs one and always calls me after another “devastating” break-up.

We all have our patterns… 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: When Byron Flitsch isn't pondering the art of relationships, buying magazines he'll never get time to read, traveling without maps, and discussing the meaning of life over a cocktail, he is a freelance writer. He's been published in The Advocate, New City, Gay Chicago, and a variety of print/online publications. You can spy on Byron properly at his website: www.byronflitsch.com